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  • 《史鐵生:活到什么年紀可以不在意生死?》精選 分享到:

    史鐵生:活到什么年紀可以不在意生死?

    發布時間:2016-10-12所屬欄目:人生感悟
      

     現在我常有這樣的感覺:死神就坐在門外的過道里,坐在幽暗處,凡人看不到的地方,一夜一夜耐心地等我。不知什么時候它就會站起來。對我說:嘿,走吧。我想那必是不由分說。但不管是什么時候,我想我大概仍會覺得有些倉促,但不會猶豫,不會拖延。

     
    “輕輕地我走了,正如我輕輕地來”——我說過,徐志摩這句詩未必牽涉生死,但在我看,卻是對生死最恰當的態度,作為墓志銘真是再好也沒有。
     
    死,從來不是一次性完成的。陳村有一回對我說:人是一點一點死去的,先是這兒,再是那兒,一步一步終于完成。他說得很平靜,我漫不經心地附和,我們都已經活得不那么在意死了。
     
    這就是說,我正在輕輕地走,靈魂正在離開這個殘損不堪的軀殼,一步步告別著這個世界。這樣的時候,不知別人會怎樣想,我則尤其想起輕輕地來的神秘。
     
    比如想起清晨、晌午和傍晚變幻的陽光,想起一方藍天,一個安靜的小院,一團撲面而來的柔和的風,風中仿佛從來就有母親和奶奶輕聲的呼喚……不知道別人是否也會像我一樣,由衷地驚訝:往日呢?往日的一切都到哪兒去了?
     
    生命的開端最是玄妙,完全的無中生有。好沒影兒的忽然你就進入了一種情況,一種情況引出另一種情況,順理成章天衣無縫,一來二去便連接出一個現實世界。真的很像電影,虛無的銀幕上,比如說忽然就有了一個蹲在草叢里玩耍的孩子,太陽照耀他,照耀著遠山、近樹和草叢中的一條小路。
     
    然后孩子玩膩了,沿小路蹣跚地往回走,于是又引出小路盡頭的一座房子,門前正在張望他的母親,埋頭于煙斗或報紙的父親,引出一個家,隨后引出一個世界。孩子只是跟隨這一系列情況走,有些一閃即逝,有些便成為不可更改的歷史,以及不可更改的歷史的原因。這樣,終于有一天孩子會想起開端的玄妙:無緣無故,正如先哲所言——人是被拋到這個世界上來的。
     
    其實,說“好沒影兒的忽然你就進入了一種情況”和“人是被拋到這個世界上來的”,這兩句話都有毛病,在“進入情況”之前并沒有你,在“被拋到這世界上來”之前也無所謂人——不過這應該是哲學家的題目。
     
    對我而言,開端,是北京的一個普通四合院。我站在炕上,扶著窗臺,透過玻璃看它。屋里有些昏暗,窗外陽光明媚。近處是一排綠油油的榆樹矮墻,越過榆樹矮墻遠處有兩棵大棗樹,棗樹枯黑的枝條鑲嵌進藍天,棗樹下是四周靜靜的窗廊。與世界最初的相見就是這樣,簡單,但印象深刻。復雜的世界尚在遠方,或者,它就蹲在那安恬的時間四周竊笑,看一個幼稚的生命慢慢睜開眼睛,萌生著欲望。
     
    奶奶和母親都說過:你就出生在那兒。
     
    其實是出生在離那兒不遠的一家醫院。生我的時候天降大雪。一天一宿罕見的大雪,路都埋了,奶奶抱著為我準備的鋪蓋趟著雪走到醫院,走到產房的窗檐下,在那兒站了半宿,天快亮時才聽見我輕輕地來了。母親稍后才看見我來了。奶奶說,母親為生了那么個丑東西傷心了好久,那時候母親年輕又漂亮。
     
    這件事母親后來閉口不談,只說我來的時候“一層黑皮包著骨頭”,她這樣說的時候已經流露著欣慰,看我漸漸長得像回事了。但這一切都是真的嗎?
     
    我蹣跚地走出屋門,走進院子,一個真實的世界才開始提供憑證。太陽曬熱的花草的氣味,太陽曬熱的磚石的氣味,陽光在風中舞蹈、流動。青磚鋪成的十字甬道連接起四面的房屋,把院子隔成四塊均等的土地,兩塊上面各有一棵棗樹,另兩塊種滿了西蕃蓮。
     
    西蕃蓮顧自開著碩大的花朵,蜜蜂在層疊的花瓣中間鉆進鉆出,嗡嗡地開采。蝴蝶悠閑飄逸,飛來飛去,悄無聲息仿佛幻影。棗樹下落滿移動的樹影,落滿細碎的棗花。青黃的棗花像一層粉,覆蓋著地上的青苔,很滑,踩上去要小心。天上,或者是云彩里,有些聲音,有些縹緲不知所在的聲音——風聲?鈴聲?還是歌聲?(www.3f113.com)
     
    說不清,很久我都不知道那到底是什么聲音,但我一走到那塊藍天下面就聽見了他,甚至在襁褓中就已經聽見他了。那聲音清朗,歡欣,悠悠揚揚不緊不慢,仿佛是生命固有的召喚,執意要你去注意他,去尋找他、看望他,甚或去投奔他。
     
    我邁過高高的門檻,艱難地走出院門,眼前是一條安靜的小街,細長、規整,兩三個陌生的身影走過,走向東邊的朝陽,走進西邊的落日。
     
    東邊和西邊都不知通向哪里,都不知連接著什么,唯那美妙的聲音不驚不懈,如風如流……
     
    我永遠都看見那條小街,看見一個孩子站在門前的臺階上眺望。朝陽或是落日弄花了他的眼睛,浮起一群黑色的斑點,他閉上眼睛,有點怕,不知所措,很久,再睜開眼睛,啊,好了,世界又是一片光明……有兩個黑衣的僧人在沿街的房檐下悄然走過……幾只蜻蜓平穩地盤桓,翅膀上閃動著光芒……鴿哨聲時隱時現,平緩,悠長,漸漸地近了,噗嚕嚕飛過頭頂,又漸漸遠了,在天邊像一團飛舞的紙屑……這是件奇怪的事,我既看見我的眺望,又看見我在眺望。
     
    那些情景如今都到哪兒去了?那時刻,那孩子,那樣的心情,驚奇和癡迷的目光,一切往日情景,都到哪兒去了?它們飄進了宇宙,是呀,飄去五十年了。但這是不是說,它們只不過飄離了此時此地,其實它們依然存在?
     
    夢是什么?回憶,是怎么一回事?
     
    倘若在五十光年之外有一架倍數足夠大的望遠鏡,有一個觀察點,料必那些情景便依然如故,那條小街,小街上空的鴿群,兩個無名的僧人,蜻蜓翅膀上的閃光和那個癡迷的孩子,還有天空中美妙的聲音,便一如既往。如果那望遠鏡以光的速度繼續跟隨,那個孩子便永遠都站在那條小街上,癡迷地眺望。要是那望遠鏡停下來,停在五十光年之外的某個地方,我的一生就會依次重現,五十年的歷史便將從頭上演。
     
    真是神奇。很可能,生和死都不過取決于觀察,取決于觀察的遠與近。比如,當一顆距離我們數十萬光年的星星實際早已熄滅,它卻正在我們的視野里度著它的青年時光。
     
    時間限制了我們,習慣限制了我們,謠言般的輿論讓我們陷于實際,讓我們在白晝的魔法中閉目塞聽不敢妄為。白晝是一種魔法,一種符咒,讓僵死的規則暢行無阻,讓實際消磨掉神奇。所有的人都在白晝的魔法之下扮演著緊張、呆板的角色,一切言談舉止一切思緒與夢想,都仿佛被預設的程序所圈定。
     
    因而我盼望夜晚,盼望黑夜,盼望寂靜中自由的到來。
     
    甚至盼望站到死中,去看生。
     
    我的軀體早已被固定在床上,固定在輪椅中,但我的心魂常在黑夜出行,脫離開殘廢的軀殼,脫離白晝的魔法,脫離實際,在塵囂稍息的夜的世界里游逛,聽所有的夢者訴說,看所有放棄了塵世角色的游魂在夜的天空和曠野中揭開另一種戲劇。
     
    風,四處游走,串聯起夜的消息,從沉睡的窗口到沉睡的窗口,去探望被白晝忽略了的心情。另一種世界,蓬蓬勃勃,夜的聲音無比遼闊。是呀,那才是寫作啊。至于文學,我說過我跟它好像不大沾邊兒,我一心向往的只是這自由的夜行,去到一切心魂的由衷的所在。
     
    原標題《輕輕地走與輕輕地來》史鐵生,中國作家、散文家。歷任中國作家協會全國委員會委員,北京作家協會副主席,中國殘疾人聯合會副主席。自稱職業是生病,業余在寫作。
    本文標題:史鐵生:活到什么年紀可以不在意生死?
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